It’s been a while since I wrote anything. Blogs, music, lyrics. Anything at all. I don’t know why but lately everything seems to be too much. I feel unhappy in almost every aspect of my life. The only consistently good thing is my relationship with Cerrys. I still persist that if it hadn’t been for her I’d be dead now. She brought me back from the brink, but it feels like I’m slipping back there again now. It’s not just that she saved me though. I feel like she understands me and that she loves me despite me flaws. Maybe even because of them. I hope she knows quite how mutual those feelings are. I am truly nothing without her.
I wish that we could just give everything up and leave everything behind to travel the world, experience new things, see cultures wildly different from our own and meet people whose lives differ from ours. Me, her, a camera, a laptop and a guitar. That is all I need. Instead, I have to worry about rent, bills, debt, a job I hate. I get stressed out about things that really shouldn’t matter. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning because I know it’s another day of being a zombie. I’m only half alive and that half doesn’t always want to be.
It’s getting harder and harder to believe in myself. The feeling of wanting to give up on my dreams entirely is negated by the fact that if I do give up then what’s left is this. And this is shit. This humdrum, monotonous, boring, stressful, tiring life. I’m at a weird crossroads and I’m not sure which path to take. When I set up this website I was exceited a driven and passionate but that all seems to have faded. The other week I had an interview for a managers position and I was nervous in the interview. I cared. I never wanted to have to care about being a manager. That wouldn’t leave me time for anything. I don’t want to be a manager. But what I want seems so far away it feels futile to even pursue it.
I’m lucky in the sense that over Christmas I get 11 days off so I’m hoping that I can use that time to sort of recharge and hopefully get some writing and recording done as well as uploading a couple of videos. I’ve just become so drained and lazy lately. I’m hoping this is just a phase because I’m honestly not sure how long I can cope feeling the way I do at the moment. The cards feel stacked against me, but rather than rearranging them I feel like I’m just going to kick the house down.
To be honest, maybe that’s not such a bad idea.