Last week was another shitty week, if I’m honest. Not much time spent in the gym, not enough time spent recording and far too much time spent working. The plight of the modern age! I did manage to get a day off last Wednesday during which Cerrys and I managed to do some work for the website and spent the day together. It was a refreshing change.
My depression is still absolutely on my back, it’s claws in deep. I’m trying to shake it, but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere fast. It doesn’t help that my back is kiling me. Cerrys is the same so we’re thinking it’s our mattress. We would replace it, but we don’t have the money and we’re fighting to get out of debt. For the forseeable future, we just have to manage with a bad back. When we do buy one, it’s probably going to be on finance. These are definite first world problems, but they are problems none the less.
Cerrys and I put our decorations up on Wednesday too. We knew it was a little early, but it’s probably going to be the only day off we have together for some time so we leapt at the opportunity. We had Christmas songs playing and candles burning. Our tree is looking pretty nice this year and, as ever, we have our little ‘Christmas Village’. Hopefully we can grow it a little this year too. I know it’s stupid, but it makes up a little happier and sometimes it feels like the little things are all we have to keep us going.
I’m not particularly well at the moment. I’ve had a bit of a sore throat and I’m feeling generally achey. It’s not bad enough to take time off work and, being the fool I am, I agreed to play a gig last Friday night. It was only 30 minutes, but I needed the money. Following my rant last week, I ended up going out for food with a friend. That was lovely and we talked about our weddings, our jobs and our lives. I hadn’t seen her in a long while, so it was wonderful to catch up. Following that I went for some drinks to celebrate my friend’s birthday and that’s where it all went wrong. I don’t know what time I got home, but I know I had cheese, chips and garlic sauce as well as a side of onion rings and I’m pretty sure I was sick at some point. It’s not my finest moment but despite my epic hangover, I did manage to do some recording the following day so it wasn’t an entirely wasted day. I wasn’t the most popular boyfriend around though.
This weekend, the plan was to focus on recording but it didn’t quite work out like that. On Saturday I binge watched the whole series of Stranger Things. I barely even left the sofa. I convinced myself Sunday was going to be better and, in a way, it was. I made it down to the office but didn’t actually get any recording done. I just wasn’t feeling it. It’s getting really hard to work up the energy at the moment. I remember reading something about depression before which said that having it is like wanting to achieve our dreams but also not having the energy or drive to actually do anything and this weekend felt a lot like that.
This week I’m working every day, but it’s closing in on December. It’s always a rough and hectic month. We’ve got Christmas, a ton of birthdays and, of course, my birthday. My 32nd birthday.
I’ve never really cared about getting older before, but 32 just seems past it. I feel like I should just give everything up and prepare for fucking retirement or something. I mean, I won’t do that, but it sometimes feels like I should. Getting older is a scary prospect. I’m not a fan of it and with every passing day now I regret a little more that I didn’t work harder in my twenties. I suppose there isn’t much point in crying over spilt milk now, but it’s difficult not to.
For now, I think I’m just going to focus on my music and this website. I’ll play the occassional small gig for a bit of money, but live performance doesn’t seem to be the way into the music industry anymore. YouTube allows me to reach millions of people in an instant and this website lets you know about me and my opinions. I’m not sure if any of you care, but it’s cathartic anyway. As is the story for almost every moment in my life, I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. I guess I do need a more coherent plan of attack. Things aren’t just going to fall into place and I’m not going to miraculously get better.
I have a lot of work to do.