Ok, maybe the image was a bit dramatic but I’ve struggled a bit this week. I haven’t been eating well, I’ve only been to the gym once, I feel really tired and my evenings have been far lazier than they should have been. I’d been looking forward to seeing the Christmas lights go on in Cwmbran on Wednesday, but when Wednesday arrived I was horrified by the idea of being surrounded by other people. The reality was no better and my anxiety went into overdrive whilst I was there.

I’m actually feeling a tad better today. I’ll pin it down to that ‘Friday’ feeling. Still, there’s the aching head and that kind of tightness all over my body. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin at the moment. My depression is kind of kicking my arse this week.

I tried to record a song the other evening but it didn’t go to plan. I wasn’t able to focus and my playing was sloppy. That was a mixture of tiredness, depression, anxiety and also the room being a mess. Cerrys had a load of her stuff dropped off on the weekend as her Mum is currently in the process of moving and lots of that stuff was left on the floor. I’m not very good in a messy environment and prefer a more sterile and empty workspace. I also need a vast amount of tea. Sometimes I’ll drink beer if I record in the evenings, but that’s a rarity these days.

Work has been a bit of a nightmare this week too. The days seem to be getting so much longer. In part, that’s down to it being dark when I leave but this does also tend to happen when I’m feeling depressed. The bad stuff just seems to drag. Unfortunately, listening to people on the phone for 8 hours a day isn’t all that much fun and after 4 hours, every minute starts to feel like a lifetime. It can take everyo ounce of my being to keep up that ‘customer service’ voice and I’m fairly certain I don’t always manage it.

I feel kind of selfish complaining about my job. I’m lucky in that the job itself is easy, relatively stress free and I get enough free time to write, keep up with the news and research anything I need for my blogs. That’s all between calls so it is broken up but I know there are many call centre jobs which are absolutely relentless. I worked at 118-118 for a while and we used to take between 600 and 700 calls a day. I managed to stick that for a month. My current job does offer me some more freedom and it’s absolutely manageable. It’s not what I want to do – I don’t think anyone really wants to be in customer service – but this is hopefully a simple, short term affair.

The last time I felt like this was in my last job. Like at 118, I only lasted a month. It was mind numbingly boring, offered no free time and often felt like a school environment. In my final two weeks of that job, I was recording a pretty decent rate. I think over 4 weeks I recorded 4 songs. Since then I’ve done less than one a month. I’m hoping that once out of this current funk, I begin to record more and actually fight to achieve the tlife I want. It’s just so easy to be complacent and with little free time, it can be a struggle to balance work, music, blogging, a social life and a relationship and even then, despite having all of those things to work on, my days often end in watching several hours of TV and not really doing anything. I’m an awful procrastinator. I am my own worst enemy.

I’m going to take an evening off tonight and prepare the office at home for recording tomorrow. I’m hoping that I can just get in there, record some guitars, some bass, get some drum tracks down and hopefully lay down some basic vocal tracks. That reminds me – I’m going to spend the next couple of weeks recording a basic EP of my own songs. I’m genuinely excited about it!